June 25, 2007

Surrounded but lonely

Posted in Baby #4, Family, My Kids, Personal, Thoughts at 4:35 pm by Dan Barnett

Ok, I won’t post the picture of my vomit for all to see.  I, as expected last night, was home all day today lying in bed.  I had an agonizing night of stomach pain and dreading the eminant vomit that would ensue.  I contracted the flu several days ago while staying home holding my 3-year-old over the bucket as she threw up for hours on end.  Now, it was my turn.  Fortunately, I guess you could say, I only threw up once.  The unfortunate part is that when you do it multiple times, your stomach seems to heal sooner.  Well, here it is 14 hours after the discharge, and I am still in a huge amount of pain.  So, that was my day.  But wait, there’s more. 

I remember one of the first small group meetings my wife and I ever attended as a married couple.  She was pregnant with Kaitlyn at the time.  The question, among an arsenal of many more questions, was posed to us, “What is your greatest fear?”  I easily answered that losing Beth was my biggest fear.  I went further, though, to explain.  Losing her to death would in the long run be less of a fear than to lose her to something I had done.  Knowing she was still out there and not having access to her would devistate me.  We’ve had our arguments as all couples do.  Some in font of the kids.  We try to avoid this at all costs, but sometimes our sinful selves don’t care.  I remember Kaitlyn asking what was wrong one time, and having to come up with a clever answer.  But as I answered, I remember thinking of what it would be like to see her, Landon, and Beth seperated form me, and seeing their lives without me.  Today, I saw their lives without me(in a sense). 

I was laid up in bed all day, when normally I would’ve been at work.  As the kids got up, and, not knowing I was home, continued to scream at each other while Beth tried to keep the peace, I wanted to come out and settle them down to help Beth, but I was pretty much not up to that.  Then, Beth(who is 8 1/2 months pregnant) wouldn’t even let me hug her for fear of getting sick.  See, we’re very cautious right now.  If she gets sick to her stomach, she could very well end up in the hospital leaving me to miss work to watch the kids.  So you see her reasoning.  Trying not to get anyone sick I lay in bed with the door closed, listening to their day go by.  Many times I wanted to come out and set the kids straight, or just help.  It is now 4:30 pm.  Beth has the kids at the parks for a swim and a workout with some friends of hers.  I have had a 2-minute conversation with each of my kids and my wife all day.  Kaitlyn’s was actually me listening to her day.  Landon’s was just laying in bed with him while Beth got Kaitlyn out of bed from her nap.  Beth’s was her asking how many times I had thrown up, and me asking what bed covers she wanted me to wash.  I haven’t in 4 1/2 years felt so alone in my own house.  To hear my family’s life going on and not being able to be involved was so hard.  That may explain the spiltting headache I have as well. 

What is your greatest fear, and how close have you come to it?  Also, please keep Beth in prayer as the delivery of J.S. draws nearer. 

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